Avoiding the Extremes
There are two extreme boundaries which are unhealthy to our lives. Using the analogy of a brickwall~ The first wall is thick and tall. It has no windows,doors,or openings. Behind this impenetrable door lives a woman. She doesn’t feel like to feel vulnerable. The wall insulates her and provides protection. To her,feeling safe behind the wall is important . But the wall isolates her too. It keeps others away who may hurt her,who may try to get too close,even those who may want to love her.The wall separates her from good people and the joyful elements of life. You will never have a close relationship with this woman. She is in pain and she is paying a huge price for keeping herself safe. It takes great courage to step out from behind this wall; to learn to trust again.
The second wall is low and brittle in its construction. It has doors,windows,and lots of openings. Anyone can trespass and penetrate this wall. The woman who lives on the other side is Ms Nice,a people-pleaser. She melts into the demand of other people. She can be a chameleon too. But Ms Nice is often resentful. She takes on too many responsibility end and feel used. She has difficulty saying no and is easily persuaded into giving more than she wants. Ms Nice thinks she is loving but when she gives,it is out of a sense of compulsion or reluctance. She doesn’t understand why others abuse her. She often slips into victim mode,feeling as if she has no choice. She blames her unhappiness on the lack of love and respect in her relationships. In her view, “I do everything for them.”
Get over the disease to please. Understand you cannot please everyone. Being able to disappoint others is crucial to reclaiming your life -Oprah Winfrey.
Unhealthy boundaries can take the firm of emotional walls. Healthy boundaries on the other hand,are more like willow trees. They have a certain amount of flexibility,like the willow bending in the wind. The deep roots,however,provide strength and rigidity so the tree won’t fall. Some of your boundaries need to be rigid too. These are unshakable – no exceptions.
*Its never okay to hit me even when you are angry
*Its never okay to chest on me
* Its never okay to lie to me
*It’s not pleasant to keep lying to me
Your personal boundaries protect the inner core of your identity and your right to choices- Gerard Manley Hopkins
The man who sets healthy boundaries speak openly and honestly about his feelings.He stays true to himself. He is trusted and respected because of his integrity. This man knows who and what is important in his life and he is clearly grounded by these values. He has the strength to easily say no to anyone or anything that conflicts with them(values). This man knows his worth is not what he does -it’s who he is. He fully understand that loving others beyond the point of love leads to resentment. He also know he is happier and healthier in his relationships when he takes time to care for himself.
Is this man too good to be true? Not at all. Setting boundaries is a learning process. It takes time but it can be achieved by anyone who is willing to do the work.
Are you ready to create the boundaries that will give you more confidence and control over your life?