Seperate but Attached

People romanticize the idea of making their hapiness dependent on another human being that they cannot be happy without their presence. Your happiness is yours and is worth more than anyone else’s presence- Nitya Prakash

The ability to extricate yourself from your family and to function as a seperate person has to do with how well your parents did this. If your parents balanced the closeness/ separate scale,you ‘ll learn to do the same. If on the other hand,your parents were unable to define themselves,highly reactive to one another,or emotionally detached,you ‘ll be in a similar position.Basically,your seperate identity is determined by how well your parents defined themselves in their families while growing up.

If this is depressing,here’s another sobering thought,Most people marry someone who has the same level of self-definition as they do. It may not look that way on the surface. Here’s the classic belief: ” I’m very dependent on my family,but I married an independent man.”

In reality this is what usually hapens: One spouse copes with family problems by pulling away,the other by getting stuck in the togetherness. They find each other because both of them lack a good,clear,sense of self. One is not more defined than the other. They simply cope with opposite styles.The dependent person envies the distant one,and vice versa. The two attract each other because they want what the other has(connection or distance).

Maturing through your teen and young adult years involves taking steps toward becoming a seperate person from your family. As you grow into young adult hood,eventually you leave the family system and make your own way in the world(at least that is the hope). This process of leaving home is not only a physical step but also and emotional and spiritual one as well. The more you have developed a whole sense of who you are,the better marriage partner you ‘ll make.

You are healthier and you ‘ll be attracted to someone who is also seperate but attached at the same level.You ‘ll also have a good idea of how to maintain your self-identity while being in a relationship. This is a good thing. Problems emerge when that seperation process gets stuck.There are two ways that could happen -either you cut off family relationships, thinking that is a good way to become independent or you become overly dependent and have no sense of self- identity. The “I” is missing and you go looking for an “us.” Let’s take a look at both responses.

Emotional cutoff

Some people confuse independence with emotional cutoff. They don’t talk much with their families. They have little contact and deal with family relationships by not dealing with them.These people may look independent but they aren’t. They have not learnt family connection.As a result,family members are enotionally or physically cut off. When conflict arises,family members do not deal with it. They distance themselves. When things get tense,they check out. The emotionally cut off guy may look strong and independent to a dependent woman,but he’s not. He copes by getting away from people. These people have relationship problems.

People who cut off have little involvement with their original families. They usually do their own thing and don’t turn to family members for support. They don’t use each other to problem-solve. Cutoff is an extreme reaction to the problem of balancing the emotional and Intellectual self.

Sticky togetherness

This other extreme is being raised in a family in which you never develop a sense of self because everyone has the same group think. The family message is that you aren’t supposed to have independent thoughts. Consequently, you never develop your own choice. You are completely reactive to people in your family and can’t mainyain a sense of self or a seperate “I” When emotions run high and conflict comes,you stay loyal to the family at all costs. Since you don’t know what you feel or think,you tend to be easily influenced by others.

In these families,members have strong emotional bonds with each other. Loyalty to the family us demanded. Excessive closeness is the glue that sticks everuone together.Basically,you have too much of a good thing.You are so comnecter that you don’t know where you stop and the other person begins. You have trouble setting boundaries, making decisions,developing your own interests, and being alone. As you can probably guess,these people also have trouble in relationships.

You must try and effect change with these two extremes. Join me in my next blog article.

Feeling bored is a childish attitude. You don’t feel so if you don’t rely on somebody to change your feeling -Toba Beta,My ancestor was an ancient.

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