Managing Your Relationships

Know him ,know her before you become hooked

Managing relationships is no big deal in as much as you understand these simple tips.

  • Set a definition

The truth is that most people start a relationship on the basis of feelings. However,feelings can be misleading.

When a relationship is defined between two or more parties,then the relationship would be on a smooth and easy pedestal. By setting a definition,you are communicating that there are boundaries that needs to be respected and honoured and things are put in proper perspective.

I have seen cases especially when it comes to the opposite sex,of how one party feels betrayed by the other and decided to throw a vindictive campaign around the town all because the relationship in question wasn’t defined. There were no clear terms.

Like a case of a young man who came to me and said he had been friends with a lady for about one and half years. She was God-fearing and had qualities he liked.He then asked me if he should begin courtship with her. My response was that,he needed to start right away since the lack of commitment meant that he could lose her altogether. I told him to make his intention known,but to court her for another two or more years before deciding on marriage. When we define the relationship would help them to focus better and to be more committed. I explained to the man that courtship was the perfect time to discover things about each other and that he was under no obligation to marry her if he realised that he did not like her enough. This doesn’t mean that people should take courtship lightly. People aren’t cars that you can test-drive; they have hearts that break.

Some people misconstrue friendship for ‘relationship’.When you are a friend to somebody, it is simply a casual affair. When you aware that it’s a ‘friendship thing’, then stick to the rules of the game and don’t overstep your boundary. Don’t start the emotional roller coaster here because it’s not welcomed. Once you can honor this rule,then you can be assured of a corresponding respect from the other party.

Sometimes,our emotions get in the way especially when we really appreciate the other party. Should we ignore the emotions and pretend they never popped up? Of course,you should. At least for the sake of the rules of engagement in the relationship.

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When you realise that your feelings or emotions is beginning to override your sense of reasoning,its always better to confide in the other party and check if the feeling is mutual. Once you are able to match this with your reality,then both of you can proceed to the next level which may be,starting out on a love relationship and this will happen naturally and not by manipulation.

  • Understand their Psychology

You may need to understand the natural disposition,emotional moods,and mental constitution of the person. This will help you to know how best to deal with them and also to decide if you can tolerate their relationship or not. Also, is the person manipulative,domineering,passive,or firm?

Passive people don’t express their disappointment, frustration,or hurt. They say ‘yes’ when they really want to say ‘no’ and will always sacrifice their own feelings ,wishes and desires inorder to be accepted by others. They usually don the victim cap rather than take responsibility for how they want the relationship to develop.

The Domineering people will pursue their goals and ambitions selfishly without any respect for the needs, goals,feelings,or self-esteem of the other person. Domineering responses include name-calling,trading blames,humiliating,and always want to be in charge. The Domineering person will always insist on having the last word and may even resort to physical violence.

Manipulative persons use more indirect and often psychological means to get their way. They seek subtle ways of controlling people. They usually appeal to people’s emotions,and sentiments. They will always say things like, “After all I’ve done for you, how could you do(or fail to do) this for me? or “If you don’t stop doing this or that,I will kill myself.”

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The Firm person always speak their mind without fear or intimidation. These persons express anger and annoyance in ways that respect the feelings and self-esteem of others. Similarly, they cope well with someone else’s anger comfortably and non defensively. They can easily initiate,maintain and end conversations with strangers, family, and friends.

  • Create an Open Communication

Problems and differences are part of life and you must understand this when dealing with people. If we are to avoid situations from spanning out of control,then there should be open communication. The inability to communicate problems and differences often poses a threat to the relationship.

If by reason,you are unable to express your threats – fears,worries,anxieties,or doubts with your partner,then there’s an underlying problem.

Living in self-denial is dangerous. When you are struggling with being real in your relationship,it may be time to do some reevaluation.

Communication is the life of a relationship. It is the exchange of feelings and information. Where there’s no communication, there’s no information,where there’s no information,there’s no understanding, where there’s no understanding, there’s no relationship,where there’s no relationship,there’s no love.

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When the Communication link is broken,the relationship suffers.

Pastor John Hagee says, “Communciation is not out-yelling or out-talking your partner. Intimidating your partner through temper is not Communication.Communication is giving your partner the freedom to disagree with you without flying into a rage, without pouting for a week,or sulking most of the day.”

Communication is when you are able to talk with your partner and honestly tell each other your psychic makeup,your truest feeling; your deep thoughts,your values,beliefs, and commitments. If you are unable to communicate these without being interrupted,your relationship isn’t worth the effort.

  • Accept Your True Feelings

If you are in a relationship and you often experience disquietness then it’s a signal that you lacked peace.
I remembered when I was starting out a relationship with a boy while in my early twenties. On two occasions,I have been restless about giving him a chance in my life. There were some alarming situations that came up within those periods and I had begun to contemplate a break away. I kept seeking the opinions of people on the matter and they were simply saying the same thing-To walk away because it’s never a good sign.
When I eventually sought the face of God concerning it,I was reminded that my lack of peace was a strong indication that I wasn’t following His will.
Eventually,I walked out and I found true peace afterwards.
Relationships are meant to bring joy and peace to the persons involved. If you aren’t following God’s will,you will feel you are being held captive, physically or mentally against your will. One of the basic elements of any good relationship where God is present is peace-inner peace.

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Does the person in your relationship keep you on your toes? Are you startled when you hear his or her voice? Do you feel at ease when they are around you, even though you have strong affinity for them and actually desire their presence? Do you stammer or get fidgety when he or she is around you? Do you feel constraint in expressing yourself? You don’t have peace! These are red lights in a relationship. A relationship that is of God and therefore has a solid foundation,should and will put you at ease. Everything you say and do will come naturally without any feeling of being pressurized.

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