One of the ways to manage your emotions is by ensuring you have total control on what you are allowing around you. Once you are able to do this,it becomes easy to have a healthy and working relationships.
Negative thinking often fuels the burdens of guilt,worry,and resentment which stems from our negative thinking towards a person or situation.Where the mind goes,energy flows.
To reverse a downward spiral, you must act quickly. First,become aware of what’s happening. Then take action to correct the situation.
A major energy vampire that directly affects relationships and insidious is resentment.
Resentment comes from the Latin word retentive-to feel over again. Resenters rehash and relive the anger. This does more harm to the resented than to other person,because it’s like a self-fed poison eating away the resenter’s soul. There are a multitude of reasons who we become resentful.
Former President of South Africa,Nelson Mandela once said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies.”
Check to see if any of these situations apply to you:
- You agree to do something and end up feeling used or taken for granted.
- You feel that you are the one who always makes sacrifices in a relationship.
- You see others getting ahead who haven’t worked as hard as you.
- Others have let you down in some capacity.
- You have experienced divorce,infidelity,being mistreated or abused.
- You have unmet needs and feel ignored or rejected.
Resentment comes in many forms. Everyday situations can cause us to withdraw,and everyone has patterns or games they play in relationships. When resentment occurs,these games become evident.
Now take a look at this:
- I will refuse to play with you. I will withdraw and fume in silence,but watch out for my revenge.
- If I can’t win,then nobody will win.I will become a problem and you will know all about it.
- I will get back at you by keeping score. I will keep track so I can gain leverage.
- I am right,period! I will get to see you my way,no matter how it affects you.
- I will attack and react. I will be in your face and on your back; nobody messes with me.
- I will never forgive and forget. I have a long memory and I will remind you of all your past mistakes. You will never be sorry enough to please me.
It’s healthy to become angry and voice our feelings when we feel we have been wronged. It becomes a problem when we connect it to self-righteousness, adopting a superior position of I’m right,you are wrong. Instead of confronting the other person and being assertive,sometimes we prefer revenge. We feel that by getting back at him or her,it will cancel our pain.
You must learn to take the high road inorder to have a win-win outcome in your relationship.
Letting go of resentment
- For a specific issue,first put it in perspective by asking, “Is this worth getting steamed up about? Am I overreacting? Is something else the root cause of my resentment?”
- Look for a rational solution to the issue. “Who do I need to talk to?What action must I take to have my needs met?
- For significant issues,especially situations where you have harbored your resentment for a long time,write a letter. Release your anger and express your feelings clearly. You can always choose not to mail the letter.
- Be more aware of when you first start feeling resentful. Normally,there’s a buildup over time. The sooner you can identify this,the better. When you do,take action. Deal with the situation by speaking up,or doing what you need to do.
- Work on your self-esteem,so you can be more accepting and loving of yourself and others.
- Develop a good support network of friends who can give you honest feedback when you are holding on too long to negative feelings.
- Believe in yourself. Develop your strenghts and be assertive. Do not allow others to belittle you.
- Maybe this is the most important: Learn to let go and forgive. This is the high road.