The Courtship Stage: Asking questions

Before beginning courtship,you will need to approach it from a questioning perspective. Information is a weapon and knowledge is power. Questions are interrogative expressions used to test knowledge,intellectual,and mental ability and comprehension to each other.

To choose a life partner,the question we need to ask ourselves is: Is being someone’s wife or husband and father or mother really worth the investment of a lifetime? Should it take preparation of skills,concentration of energies and the commitment of both to keep a home?

Let’s begin with these:

How to Ask

When asking question,a person can either be making known a desire or seeking information. Care must therefore be taken to avoid being seen as soliciting marriage while attempting to extract truth. The following examples illustrate this point:

Can you marry someone from a race or culture that is different from yours?

When put this way,it may look as if you are soliciting for marriage. This could be a better way of putting your question:

What are your views on interracial or cross-cultural marriages?

What to ask

Knowledge of what to ask in a particular situation enables a person to cut through deceit, falsehood,hypocrisy and pretence. A question usually starts with an enquiry(a search for knowledge based on existing facts) and ends with an enquiry(a systematic investigation or search for truth) . The first person,however,that you need to question,is yourself.

  • Check your motive for starting a relationship.
  • Try to understand yourself: Who you are,what you have to offer your partner, and who you can live with spiritually,socially,intellectually and mentally that may be compatible with you.
  • What are your value,goals,vision,habits,purpose, temperament,bckground,and who can walk with you.
  • You also want to find out who your intended spouse is,and if you will be compatible with him or her.
  • Write down ten basic needs you cannot do without in your spouse and see as early as possible in the relationship if your intended spouse can satisfy these needs. As the relationship progresses,find out at least ten basic needs your intended spouse cannot do without and ask if you can fulfill those needs.

Then ask yourself:

1. Do I really know my partner?

2. What positive or negative attributes do I perceive in him or her?

3. What personality type does he or she best fits in?

4. Is he or she a born-again Christian?

When to ask

Relationship grow from infancy to maturity(companionship-casual. Friendship-Close Frienship-Intimate. Friendship)

Counsellors generally agree that courtship should progress through well-defined stages,often with important do’s and don’ts or even commandments applicable to each stage. My focus here,however,is knowing when in the relationship it is most appropriate to ask your partner particular questions. When he or she is tired,upset,busy,or sick,it is definitely not the time to ask a question. You will not get the right answer.

Some questions are also best asked during the day,at noon,during the afternoon,or on the first day of your courtship,or weeks,months,or years later. Some questions may be appropriate during birthdays,festive periods like Christmas,Valentine’s day,Mother’s day, father’s day, or Thanksgiving.

The following examples illustrate these points:

1. It is wise to establish very early in any relationship, your friend’s relationship with God.

2. The weeks or months preceding important family celebrations present strategic opportunities for you to obtain detailed information relating to your partner’s family beliefs and practices, including relationships within his or her family.

3. Holiday plans and activities are good practical indicators of your partner’s lifestyle and temperament. These are times to keep your eyes wide open.

4. In most cultures,names reveal circumstances surrounding a person’s birth.It is useful to ask very early about the meaning and significance of individual or family names and nicknames.

5. ‘ Just say when,I’m ready anytime’ is not always evidence of readiness. Timing is too critical to be done independently. For two to walk together, they must agree. Probe further for signs of pressure or impulsiveness.

6. ‘Not now,can’t it wait?’ Your timing is either wrong or perfect. Persevere to discover which.

7. Issues dealing with consenting adults( having parental approval) are best handled in mature relationships.

Compromising compatibility because of unwholesome sentiments,especially in the areas of religion and vision,may result in a painful payback period. For this reason,the Bible warns that we should not be unequally yoked.(2 cor.6:14)