- Do not be insensitive
The disapproval of a situation in a relationship may result in one party making certain requests. At first,this request is usually polite,or made with minimal signs of irritation. When this request is ignored,it is often interpreted as either a challenge or a rejection.
Either way,the result is confrontation. Be sensitive to your partner’s concerns.
- See the positive side of everything
Life is always as you choose to see it. To the pessimist,the glass will always be half-empty,while the optimist see the glass as half-full.
Somebody once said, ‘nothing is bad as they say it is. It can only be as bad as you want it to be.’ Perhaps,this is a partial truth,but your partner’s actions can actually have the interpretation you give to them. If you believe he or she means well,you will rarely have problems with the things he or she does that you don’t agree with. Critical eyes will always see faults,even when there are none.Always strive to be positive,at least until you can identify a repeated pattern of unwholesome behavior. This way,you will be saving yourself disagreements in your relationship.
- Personalize your resentment
When there is a disagreement ,do not launch an all-out verbal attack at your partner. Watch how you express your innermost desires. Make ‘I’ statements: for instance, instead of saying, ‘It is only a irresponsible man that will stay out late at night,’ say something like, ‘ You know I always get so worried when you stay out late at night.’
Making ‘I’ statements affords you the opportunity to take responsibility for your perspective and feelings in such a way that the focus is on you (as if you are really the problem) and not on your partner. This removes the tone of accusation,criticism,and attack from your statements.
- Talk about it
In the heat of a bad situation,do not be the evasive party by taking an ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ position. No matter who you imagine is at fault,call a truce and enter into dialogue. Talk about it. One of you may be surprised to discover that he or she is overreacting and that the situation is not exactly what he or she imagined it to be. By the time you have talked in a peaceful atmosphere,new facts may have come to light. You may even laugh at your mistakes.A bad situation won’t get out of hand unless you can talk about it.
In every dispute, all the partners involved hold on to a particular position or idea as it suits them,sometimes selfishly.
A dispute between you and your intended spouse is no exception. When you hold on tenaciously to your point of view and your partner does the same,there is bound to be a stalemate. The conflict continues,even against your best wishes. You are hoping that your partner will give in to your position while he or she is expecting you to do the same. There should,however, not be competition between the both of you. The real competition is out there. Be mature about this,let go of some of your desires,meet your partner half way. Rationality dicates that he or she will do the same. A compromise means accepting a little discomfort in the interest of peace.
- Process your anger
There’s a verse that starts with, ‘When a man loses his temper,his reason goes on vacation.’ It may shock you to learn that when you are angry,the difference between you and a mad man is not of kind but of degree.
There are many ways to handle anger- acceptable and unaacceptable. You could choose to suppress your anger,in which case,you are angry,and instead of letting it out,you deliberately try to control it. You want to maintain peace on the inside. Or you can express your anger by throwing tantrums around. You can also repress your anger. In this case,you do not want to accept that you are angry,probably because you believe that it is a sin. Pretending not to be anger,rather than solving any problems,only defers the doomsday. When you finally explode,you will be dazed at the depth and scope of your anger. Suffice it to say that all these are unwholesome ways of handing anger,and when anger is denied or mishandled,it is bound to come out in indirect spasms. You must learn to process your anger.
Processing your anger entails,first of all,acknowledging the fact that you are angry,then taking time to simmer down by doing something that takes your mind off the object of your annoyance. Reflect on the issue rationally,seek information on the situation,then approach your partner and talk about the issue in a civilized manner. Inorderwords,refine your anger. Always bear in mind that nothing will cook your goose faster than boiling-hot temper.
The quickest way to get back on your feet is to get down on your knees. Even the worst conflict are as a result of raging emotions and I must remind you that you do not own yourself, nor can you choose the wavelength of your emotions. You can only control it with a lot of help from him who put it there.
The man who kneels before God can stand up to anything,no matter how dangerously his temper chooses to flare.